Judas Asparagus
If you need a laugh today, then this should do it !!!
A child was asked to write a book report on the entire Bible.
This is amazing and brought tears of laughter to my eyes.
I wonder how often we take for granted that children understand what we are teaching ???
Through the eyes of a child:
The Children's Bible in a Nutshell
In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one', but I think He must be a lot older than that.
Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did.
Then God made the world.
He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet.
Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden.....Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars.
Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.
Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.
One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.
After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.
Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.
God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff.
Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.
One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.
After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me.
After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets.. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore.
There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.
After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of The New. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, 'Close the door! Were you born in a barn?' It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was.')
During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Democrats.
Jesus also had twelve opossums.
The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.
Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount.
But the Democrats and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead..
Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Saturday, December 26, 2009
I love Tiger Woods!
With all the Tiger Woods hoopla in the media lately it makes me wonder. Wonder, what if we actually worried more about our lives instead of others. Other peoples lives like big celebrities, whom we have made big by buying into all of the hype. Stop and think...these people are just that...people. They eat like we do, albeit probably a lot better food than we do, they watch tv like we do, they shower like we do, they poop like we do, they do a lot of the normal day to day things that we do. Because they are just that...PEOPLE! Now granted, they are from a more privileged lifestyle than we have. I don't know many people that live in a gated community with a chef or personal trainer, with a big huge deal with Nike, or with a super model wife. But does that make him any better or worse? No, it just makes him Tiger Woods. Tell me this, if you were a big huge celebrity and had men/women throwing themselves at you every day could you refrain from the temptation forever? He is only human. And please don't get me wrong, I am in no way shape or form condoning or agreeing with what Tiger Woods has done, however I think the only person that could refrain from all that temptation would be Jesus.
First, let's talk about these women who have "supposedly" had an affair with Tiger Woods. Okay, if I had been one of those women how embarrassed I would be to come out and say it to the public. HELLO! My parents would be watching! How horrified they would be. And I would much rather be known for the great things I have accomplished in my life rather than one of my not so greatest moments in life. I know we all have those moments that we are not proud of, but I most definitely don't want my rise to fame to be known for that. Doesn't it make you wonder what has made these women so desperate for love, fame, and attention? Were they abused, neglected, or mistreated as children? Could some one along the way have shown them a path to self confidence instead of one of self destruction? Or maybe someone showed them that if they would sell themselves for just a bit the payoff could be bigger in the end...especially with a big celebrity. Have we idealized "stuff" so much that people are willing to do what they have to in order to get the "stuff" that they want?
Next, Tiger Woods. One of the most famous men in golf past, present, and future. A man that prides himself on discipline. A man that we as a culture have made into a hero that is known worldwide. But he is just that, a man. And all men have sin. The only hero that we could ever possibly have that is without sin is Jesus. How can we as a nation jump on the bash Tiger Woods bandwagon? If someone were to look at the skeletons in your closet what would they find? I am sure that there are things that you have done in your life that you are not proud of, I know there are mine, so how can we go from loving this man in one moment to ridiculing him the next. This brought to mind the scripture where Jesus was talking with teachers of the law about a woman that had committed adultery. According to their law she should be stoned and Jesus said this: John 8:7When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, "If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her." Not that we have all committed adultery, but are any of us without sin? Shouldn't we be praying for Tiger Woods and his family instead of blasting them across every tabloid, magazine, newspaper, tv screen, etc.? And no we can't help that they will continue to print his indiscretion, but we don't have to buy into it or watch it either.
We will find faults in any and every human we encounter. They will at some point let us down whether they intended to or not. Think about that....that means you and me. As much as I like to please people and help I know that I have at some point, and during a not so fabulous time in my life at many points, let people down in my life. Even now while I try my very best to follow God and be like Jesus I know I will fail because I am human and I am not without sin. I will sin every day for the rest of my life, but if I continue to pray and read God's Word then I have a better chance of following God's plan for my life and not Satan's plan. Unfortunately Tiger Woods walked the line too close to Satan and Satan won. We have all done that, but thankfully we still had people in our lives who loved us enough to help us and not ridicule us in our most vulnerable and weakest moments.
Matthew
7: 1-5 "Don't pick on people, jump on their failures, criticize their faults— unless, of course, you want the same treatment. That critical spirit has a way of boomeranging. It's easy to see a smudge on your neighbor's face and be oblivious to the ugly sneer on your own. Do you have the nerve to say, 'Let me wash your face for you,' when your own face is distorted by contempt? It's this whole traveling road-show mentality all over again, playing a holier-than-thou part instead of just living your part. Wipe that ugly sneer off your own face, and you might be fit to offer a washcloth to your neighbor. (The Message)
First, let's talk about these women who have "supposedly" had an affair with Tiger Woods. Okay, if I had been one of those women how embarrassed I would be to come out and say it to the public. HELLO! My parents would be watching! How horrified they would be. And I would much rather be known for the great things I have accomplished in my life rather than one of my not so greatest moments in life. I know we all have those moments that we are not proud of, but I most definitely don't want my rise to fame to be known for that. Doesn't it make you wonder what has made these women so desperate for love, fame, and attention? Were they abused, neglected, or mistreated as children? Could some one along the way have shown them a path to self confidence instead of one of self destruction? Or maybe someone showed them that if they would sell themselves for just a bit the payoff could be bigger in the end...especially with a big celebrity. Have we idealized "stuff" so much that people are willing to do what they have to in order to get the "stuff" that they want?
Next, Tiger Woods. One of the most famous men in golf past, present, and future. A man that prides himself on discipline. A man that we as a culture have made into a hero that is known worldwide. But he is just that, a man. And all men have sin. The only hero that we could ever possibly have that is without sin is Jesus. How can we as a nation jump on the bash Tiger Woods bandwagon? If someone were to look at the skeletons in your closet what would they find? I am sure that there are things that you have done in your life that you are not proud of, I know there are mine, so how can we go from loving this man in one moment to ridiculing him the next. This brought to mind the scripture where Jesus was talking with teachers of the law about a woman that had committed adultery. According to their law she should be stoned and Jesus said this: John 8:7When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, "If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her." Not that we have all committed adultery, but are any of us without sin? Shouldn't we be praying for Tiger Woods and his family instead of blasting them across every tabloid, magazine, newspaper, tv screen, etc.? And no we can't help that they will continue to print his indiscretion, but we don't have to buy into it or watch it either.
We will find faults in any and every human we encounter. They will at some point let us down whether they intended to or not. Think about that....that means you and me. As much as I like to please people and help I know that I have at some point, and during a not so fabulous time in my life at many points, let people down in my life. Even now while I try my very best to follow God and be like Jesus I know I will fail because I am human and I am not without sin. I will sin every day for the rest of my life, but if I continue to pray and read God's Word then I have a better chance of following God's plan for my life and not Satan's plan. Unfortunately Tiger Woods walked the line too close to Satan and Satan won. We have all done that, but thankfully we still had people in our lives who loved us enough to help us and not ridicule us in our most vulnerable and weakest moments.
Matthew
7: 1-5 "Don't pick on people, jump on their failures, criticize their faults— unless, of course, you want the same treatment. That critical spirit has a way of boomeranging. It's easy to see a smudge on your neighbor's face and be oblivious to the ugly sneer on your own. Do you have the nerve to say, 'Let me wash your face for you,' when your own face is distorted by contempt? It's this whole traveling road-show mentality all over again, playing a holier-than-thou part instead of just living your part. Wipe that ugly sneer off your own face, and you might be fit to offer a washcloth to your neighbor. (The Message)
Friday, December 25, 2009
The Birth of Jesus
Luke 2
The Birth of Jesus
1 At that time the Roman emperor, Augustus, decreed that a census should be taken throughout the Roman Empire. 2 (This was the first census taken when Quirinius was governor of Syria.) 3 All returned to their own ancestral towns to register for this census. 4 And because Joseph was a descendant of King David, he had to go to Bethlehem in Judea, David’s ancient home. He traveled there from the village of Nazareth in Galilee. 5 He took with him Mary, his fiancée, who was now obviously pregnant.6 And while they were there, the time came for her baby to be born. 7 She gave birth to her first child, a son. She wrapped him snugly in strips of cloth and laid him in a manger, because there was no lodging available for them.
The Shepherds and Angels
8 That night there were shepherds staying in the fields nearby, guarding their flocks of sheep. 9 Suddenly, an angel of the Lord appeared among them, and the radiance of the Lord’s glory surrounded them. They were terrified, 10 but the angel reassured them. “Don’t be afraid!” he said. “I bring you good news that will bring great joy to all people. 11 The Savior—yes, the Messiah, the Lord—has been born today in Bethlehem, the city of David! 12 And you will recognize him by this sign: You will find a baby wrapped snugly in strips of cloth, lying in a manger.”13 Suddenly, the angel was joined by a vast host of others—the armies of heaven—praising God and saying,
14 “Glory to God in highest heaven,
and peace on earth to those with whom God is pleased.”
15 When the angels had returned to heaven, the shepherds said to each other, “Let’s go to Bethlehem! Let’s see this thing that has happened, which the Lord has told us about.”
16 They hurried to the village and found Mary and Joseph. And there was the baby, lying in the manger. 17 After seeing him, the shepherds told everyone what had happened and what the angel had said to them about this child. 18 All who heard the shepherds’ story were astonished, 19 but Mary kept all these things in her heart and thought about them often. 20 The shepherds went back to their flocks, glorifying and praising God for all they had heard and seen. It was just as the angel had told them.
Happy Birthday Jesus!
Well, what better day than today to not be able to sleep. Maybe the quiet time of the early morning will allow me to reflect on this past year and the many blessing Jesus has given to us.
It seems as though all we did in January, February, and March were doctor's appointments, doctor's appointments, and more doctor's appointments! We were consumed by my ever growing belly and the beautiful baby growing inside. Not to mention that we were busy with our oldest children and their activities as well.
This year was also a year for firsts! =)
We celebrated Garrett's birthday on April 9th. The day after his sleepover we started having contractions. At least Bella was considerate enough to wait until his friends had gone home. Then we went to the hospital and on Easter Sunday we had our first BIG first of the year. Arabella Grace weighing a small 5lbs 11ozs and being 18 inches long. We have been SO blessed by her!
I suppose the next first was Garrett graduating from fifth grade. That was an emotional day for me. My baby boy was now going to be in middle school and as I watched him walk across the stage to get his diploma I was holding my one month old baby in my arms. Yes, I was a but emotional.
Another big event that was a first and only was my surgery. How I had been waiting for four years to have this surgery. A total hysterectomy! WOO HOO! No more endometriosis pain and no more going to the doctor every three months for painful tests checking to see if the cancerous cells (cervical) had returned. After a five hour long procedure with my doctor and the GYN Oncologist it was all over. My doctor did say that I did have some bad spots on my cervix, however they hadn't turned into cancerous cells yet that they were pre-cancerous cells. PRAISE JESUS!
The summer turned into me hanging out around the house and trying to take it easy so I could rest and heal. Aaron also had the opportunity to play with his band. We had a lot of fun going to Cincy! I got to watch him play and then we went out on the town. It was also
our first time we left Bella over night. It was difficult, but much needed and well worth it. I was also blessed with the wonderful opportunity of lia sophia to help supplement the 60% decrease we received in Aaron's pay. That hurt, but we knew that Jesus would provide for us.
Up next, back to school. =( Back to school meant several things. Back to work for me (and was that ever difficult...still is honestly), Bella going to the sitter for the first time, Garrett starting middle school, Skyla getting her braces off and starting seventh grade. Skyla also started playing volleyball this year. GO SKYLA! She is definitely active and we wish we could be at all of her games. We are cheering for you in Skyla. Besides, you know you play better when we aren't there. =)
So, life was busy for the next months. Bella had her first Halloween. That was a lot of fun. =) We were busy with family pictures on both sides, going to Painstville to visit the family, my sister moving back here, and lots of other things. Then we had our first Thanksgiving at our house with the almost the WHOLE family. Steve, Carol, and the kids couldn't make it because Steve was sick and so was Mike and Veronica. They were missed! Other than that we had both sides of my family and Aaron's family here. It was amazingly wonderful. We also surprised my mom and day with their Christmas gift...our big family picture. I never expected the response that we got, but it was AWESOME!
In December we were given our first teenager! Skyla turned thirteen on December 7th. Where has the time gone? Also, we took the whole family shopping for kids on the Angel Tree. It has been a rough year for us and we might not have been able to give as many presents as we wish we could, but there are kids that wouldn't have a Christmas if we didn't help. There are kids that still won't get any presents on Christmas. So we had the two oldest each get the name of a child their age so they could
see how truly blessed they are. Then we went and served dinner at the Community Action Center to the people that we bought gifts for and their families. How AWESOME and rewarding it was to go as a family and sere others.
Now we are at Bella's first Christmas. Not only is it her first Christmas, but she just started full-on crawling (not army crawling) and her bottom two teeth have broken through the skin. WOW! What an amazing year we have had! All because a baby changes everything. I'm not speaking of Bella, although she has changed the dynamics of our family and we absolutely LOVE it! I am talking about baby Jesus. So on this Christmas Day let's not forget the most important present, gift, and first that we have. Let us remember that the first Christmas was when Jesus was born. Let us not forget that if weren't for Jesus we wouldn't have any of the gifts or blessings that we have in our lives. Jesus came into this world for us and I consider that the greatest gift of all!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY JESUS!!!!!
It seems as though all we did in January, February, and March were doctor's appointments, doctor's appointments, and more doctor's appointments! We were consumed by my ever growing belly and the beautiful baby growing inside. Not to mention that we were busy with our oldest children and their activities as well.
This year was also a year for firsts! =)
We celebrated Garrett's birthday on April 9th. The day after his sleepover we started having contractions. At least Bella was considerate enough to wait until his friends had gone home. Then we went to the hospital and on Easter Sunday we had our first BIG first of the year. Arabella Grace weighing a small 5lbs 11ozs and being 18 inches long. We have been SO blessed by her!
I suppose the next first was Garrett graduating from fifth grade. That was an emotional day for me. My baby boy was now going to be in middle school and as I watched him walk across the stage to get his diploma I was holding my one month old baby in my arms. Yes, I was a but emotional.
Another big event that was a first and only was my surgery. How I had been waiting for four years to have this surgery. A total hysterectomy! WOO HOO! No more endometriosis pain and no more going to the doctor every three months for painful tests checking to see if the cancerous cells (cervical) had returned. After a five hour long procedure with my doctor and the GYN Oncologist it was all over. My doctor did say that I did have some bad spots on my cervix, however they hadn't turned into cancerous cells yet that they were pre-cancerous cells. PRAISE JESUS!
The summer turned into me hanging out around the house and trying to take it easy so I could rest and heal. Aaron also had the opportunity to play with his band. We had a lot of fun going to Cincy! I got to watch him play and then we went out on the town. It was also
our first time we left Bella over night. It was difficult, but much needed and well worth it. I was also blessed with the wonderful opportunity of lia sophia to help supplement the 60% decrease we received in Aaron's pay. That hurt, but we knew that Jesus would provide for us.Up next, back to school. =( Back to school meant several things. Back to work for me (and was that ever difficult...still is honestly), Bella going to the sitter for the first time, Garrett starting middle school, Skyla getting her braces off and starting seventh grade. Skyla also started playing volleyball this year. GO SKYLA! She is definitely active and we wish we could be at all of her games. We are cheering for you in Skyla. Besides, you know you play better when we aren't there. =)
So, life was busy for the next months. Bella had her first Halloween. That was a lot of fun. =) We were busy with family pictures on both sides, going to Painstville to visit the family, my sister moving back here, and lots of other things. Then we had our first Thanksgiving at our house with the almost the WHOLE family. Steve, Carol, and the kids couldn't make it because Steve was sick and so was Mike and Veronica. They were missed! Other than that we had both sides of my family and Aaron's family here. It was amazingly wonderful. We also surprised my mom and day with their Christmas gift...our big family picture. I never expected the response that we got, but it was AWESOME!
In December we were given our first teenager! Skyla turned thirteen on December 7th. Where has the time gone? Also, we took the whole family shopping for kids on the Angel Tree. It has been a rough year for us and we might not have been able to give as many presents as we wish we could, but there are kids that wouldn't have a Christmas if we didn't help. There are kids that still won't get any presents on Christmas. So we had the two oldest each get the name of a child their age so they could
see how truly blessed they are. Then we went and served dinner at the Community Action Center to the people that we bought gifts for and their families. How AWESOME and rewarding it was to go as a family and sere others. Now we are at Bella's first Christmas. Not only is it her first Christmas, but she just started full-on crawling (not army crawling) and her bottom two teeth have broken through the skin. WOW! What an amazing year we have had! All because a baby changes everything. I'm not speaking of Bella, although she has changed the dynamics of our family and we absolutely LOVE it! I am talking about baby Jesus. So on this Christmas Day let's not forget the most important present, gift, and first that we have. Let us remember that the first Christmas was when Jesus was born. Let us not forget that if weren't for Jesus we wouldn't have any of the gifts or blessings that we have in our lives. Jesus came into this world for us and I consider that the greatest gift of all!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY JESUS!!!!!
"Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is Christ the Lord." -- Luke 2:11
Monday, December 21, 2009
Sunday, December 20, 2009
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